havwah

Wednesday was pretty much...not sweet. This is going to sound like a bitching blog, but I'm meaning for it to sound humorous...because all I can do is laugh at things like this now. So, I wake up with 2 hours of sleep and go straight to studying Sigmund Freud for my final. Did I mention that I slept through every class and only got 20 minutes of studying in? :) Got in my car fifteen minutes before class started......which by the way was ICED over. I said, these exact words "are you serious?" Then I attempt to start my car to defrost. Well, my car.....it would'nt start. :) I repeated the words "are you serious?" because that's what I say when I'm mad. I don't know why...it just comes out. Anyway...I'm sitting there....trying to start my car and thinking "Looks like I won't be making it to my final...oh well...maybe I can go back to bed." No, right THAT MOMENT my car started. To be truthful, it was bittersweet. See, I was kinda sad because I knew my warm bed was no longer an option. Yet...I was kinda happy because...well i don't know.  lately I've been battling everything like a star wars freak.

Anyway....that's the start of my day. It doesn't end there. Thought you were off the hook, huh? So, I zombie-like drag myself through the classroom door(due to the sleep deprivation factor) and I take a seat next to the kid who sometimes awkwardly draws me. He leans over and says "Gosh I studied for like 3 hours last night..." and I respond "I studied for like 20 minutes before class."....which leads to him giving me that awkward half smile that says, "I don't know whether to laugh or smile...because I don't know if you're joking or not.

Straight to work after that which consists of crazy Christmas shoppers crying because they can't seem to find the outfit for their dog that we had a month ago. "Hey...I'm looking for the yellow and blue dog coat that you got in last month." Me: "I'm sorry...we aren't getting any more in. There is a possibility we may have it online though or I could check another store for you." <--------awesome customer service. She stared at me blankly "OH....well, I kinda wanted it today." Me: "Aw, I'm sorry about that." lady: STILL STARING at me blankly. This is when I wanted SO badly to sarcastically say, "Oh...I forgot to tell you that I'm the one that MADE those...I'll go to the breakroom and make you one real fast!" but I didn't because that would get me fired...

...Psshhh I'm gonna do a disney movie, hot chocolate, blanket combo now....because im super corny, i guess....who knows.

So, last night I had this electrical shock feeling in the middle of my chest when I was trying to fall asleep! SWEET. I got two hours of sleep because of this. Bed sounds so lovely right now, but I need to go take a final over Sigmund Freud and Psychoanalysis.    ....And then work....and then another final. I know....my life is SO exciting. There's snow. Today would be a really great day to watch a disney movie with a big blanket and drink hot chocolate with a cuddle buddy that does not exist....because I'm corny like that. Woo!! Time to walk 3 blocks in the sweet awesomeness hell that we call "cold weather"

Current stress...just to get it out.

So, I'm freaking out a little. I have a presentation to give and I want to back out of it so bad. I've never been the one to act "cool and collected" in front of the class. Nervous laughter is my only protection in that case....and that's not protection because I end up looking like an idiot.  I'm not good with words; I can write them down better. If somebody said, "Hey...skip it and go get a beer with me...", I don't think I'd hesitate. You know why? Yep...because anxiety for  this presentation is that bad. I hate feeling like the whole class is looking at me. Maybe I'll go to a local pub and shoot darts with the regulars instead. ;)

Next...it's been since January of 2008 since I've been in love....and what he did to me in February proved that it wasnt love.  Dane Cook was so right when he said, "When everybody is in love...and you're not....it feels like a party that everybody was invited to except for you and you just happen to be walking by IN THE RAIN." It's humorously true. Why do I  feel like I need that feeling again? Holidays are especially lonely and annoying as hell...stop kissing, children. GOSH.

And next....(just to avoid writing that presentation)....anxiety attacks. I haven't had a major one for a while, but when I do....it's horrible. I feel like I'm suffocating....and I start to think there is something physically wrong....like I'm going to stop breathing. I hope they like mysteriously disappear....just as mysteriously as they came. A couple weeks ago...I did a dramatic movie scene drive to the student health center and told the lady I needed to get in right away, because I felt like I couldn't breathe. Yep, definitely felt retarded when the nurse sat me down. My lungs sounded fine....everything was okay.....except for my fast heart rate. She said, "You're having an anxiety attack"....and right as she said that I felt this rush of relief. In my head, I was thinking "Hmm...I guess I'm not dying then." I just sat there in shock as she told me that it didn't seem physical. She was right. I walked out of the health center breathing like a "normal person"....and the reason I walked out being able to breathe links to the fact that she told me nothing was physically wrong with me. Anxiety does weird things to my body. Weird. It felt so real.

Next....I have this thing....where I keep wishing I would have done things differently in the past. Nothing big....I just know I could've done more than I did.  I know I have the talent, but I feel like anxiety and fear stop me from everything. I wish that would stop. Some days I'm motivated and say "It's GO TIME" and other days I'm like "Yeah, maybe someday." i like my "It's go time" personality way better.

Hmm.....today is sad....maybe tomorrow will be better?